Why Am I Not Getting A Clear Answer?

My Motorcycle

"Heavenly Father" I prayed "should I get a motorcycle?"

I uttered those exact words in prayer a little more than a year ago now.

For many many years I had wanted a motorcycle and the plan had always been to get one after I got home off my mission. At the time I was recently returned from my mission and was conveniently in need of transportation. I was very excited; my dear mother was significantly less so.

Mom approached me a few times with perfectly valid concerns about safety, finances, and the like to convince me out of getting a motorcycle. I took her concerns seriously and made all the preparations to be as safe as possible, as well as putting my finances in order so that I wouldn't be sacrificing educational opportunities, but I had my heart set on getting a motorcycle and she wasn't about to convince me out of it.

Well, my mom, after some time and seeing how set I was on purchasing a motorcycle, issued her ultimatum: pray about it.

I wasn't too worried about asking God if I should get a motorcycle. After all, I had made solid preparations and I expected Him to give me the thumbs up, or at least that familiar answer of "It's up to you" which He gives us sometimes to help us learn to make our own choices. And so I went to my room and I prayed "Heavenly Father should I get a motorcycle?"

What happened next still surprises me to this day.

100% blank. Like this slate.

I blanked. Completely 100% blank. I could not remember what I had just asked for. I couldn't remember why I was praying. The only way I even knew I was praying was because I was kneeling down next to my bed, but I literally could not recall why I was there.

I didn't know what to do and so I just kept praying. Thanking God for things and asking for help and blessings about other things in my life as if this was any other prayer. After about 20 seconds I remembered, all at once, that I had asked about getting a motorcycle. I had experienced the truest form of a "stupor of thought" that I can possibly imagine.

I stood up from that prayer somewhat disappointed, but confident that I knew the will of God for me and I was ready to move forward in a different direction more pleasing to Him.

Now please understand, I have nothing against motorcycles at all. In fact, I still hope to get one sometime in the future. But for me, at that time, I was not supposed to get one. I didn't know at the time, but there were blessings that eventually followed. One of which was that after car hunting for months afterward I eventually found an amazing deal on a great car that I would have not been able to afford had I purchased a motorcycle.

Questions and Answers

I share that experience because we often hear of the "burning of the bosom" experiences, but significantly less often, though equally as valid, are our experiences of a stupor of thought.

You must study it out in your mind; 

then you must ask me if it be right, 

and if it is right I will cause that 

your bosom shall burn within you... 

But if it be not right you shall have 

no such feelings, but you shall have a 

stupor of thought.

(D&C 9:8-9)

By a raise of hands, who feels like every single time they ask God about something they get an answer right away and it's blatantly obvious what they need to do? Now put your hand down if you're just being sarcastic or being funny. That's what I thought.

We all struggle with this! We all have a hard time figuring out exactly what we're supposed to do sometimes. We pray for answers and we don't feel like they're forthcoming. We feel like God's holding out on us and not being clear with exactly what we need to do or the choices we make. Gosh I sure know I've felt like that before. In some ways I feel like that right now!

Why am I not getting a clear answer?

It might be a few things. 

1) You might be getting an answer, but not recognizing it.
2) You might not be asking the right question.

3) It may not matter.

4) God may want you to do your best and just go in a direction. He will guide you if you start heading down a wrong path.
5) Sin or worldly distractions might be preventing you from receiving spiritual communication.

Most people think that their problem is the first one listed. That God's giving them answers, but they're not interpreting God's answers the right way. But I think you'll be surprised to learn that the issues 2-4 are actually much more common. Keep these in mind, we'll be referencing them later. If you're not getting an answer because of reason #5 then repent. Any questions? Good, moving on.

Agency

Wouldn't it be nice if every time you came to a decision than God would send you a text detailing what you're supposed to do? That'd be great! No more wondering if what you're doing is right or not. No more doubt, no more fear, no more mistakes! How could you foul up if it was so clearly given to you in minute detail? Hey, even better than that, what if God just forced everyone to do the right things? That's gonna be the best for anyone anyways right?? 

Oh wait. That's Satan's plan. 

See how that happened though? It all starts with wanting to be told what to do in every situation. That's not God's plan for us. We're here to learn, to grow, to be independent, to become like God. That won't happen if He has to tell us what to do every minute of every day. 

I'm not lazy! I'm gonna do something amazing...
starting tomorrow...

Does this sound familiar? "For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward."

If God commanded in all things that'd be like your dad following you around all day every day telling you every single little thing to do: "Wake up. Get up. Kneel down. Pray. Here's what to say... Stand up. Walk to the closet. Get dressed. Here's what to wear. Walk to the bathroom. Brush your teeth." We don't expect our earthly fathers to do that. They teach us what to do when we're young, but as we grow older we get more independent and we can do more things on our own. It's the same thing spiritually between us and God.

Alright, well if God is not going to command in all things then what do we do?

"Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward."

God may want you to do your best and just go in a direction. He will guide you if you start heading down a wrong path.

Look at the trust God has given us! "The power is in them." The knowledge to act, the ability to act, the opportunity to act as independent agents of our Heavenly Father! It's more power, and more responsibility. It's instructive that it says "inasmuch as men do good," it doesn't say that we have a sacred foreordination in every single situation we might encounter, it just says we are to do "good." I firmly believe that I was foreordained to do certain tasks on this earth and I believe that at certain moments then God will step in and guide me to those responsibilities. But I also believe that much of my "destiny" is up to me! More on that later though.

Don't let the fact that you're not getting clear answers paralyze you. God has issued this warning in that same block of scriptures:

"He that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned."(D&C 58:26-29)

Wow. That's harsh. But it's a fair warning to those of us who look for constant direction in our lives, but then when we do receive direction we doubt and second guess guess ourselves, finally following it halfheartedly. 

Understand that I'm not saying we should stop praying and just traipse along our merry way wielding our agency willy-nilly. We should always be praying and involving God in our decisions. But if you don't feel like you're getting specific direction then just use your best judgement and plow ahead! You did your part, pray, ask, fast if necessary, seek for your answer, but then move! Do something! (Just keep this paragraph in mind for the remainder of this post so I don't have to keep inserting it in other places. I'll call this my *reminder paragraph* to remind us that prayer really is important.)

If God has a specific path for us to follow and we are personally doing our all to seek His guidance then he will send us answers in a way that we can understand. The fear of misinterpreting an answer is simply not putting faith in the fact that God is your Father and He knows how to communicate with you.

Careers and Relationships

Two of the most prayed about topics for young adults. And two really important decisions! Your career influences your quality of mortal life, and your spouse influences the quality of your mortal and eternal life. Lets talk career first cause I have less to say about that topic.

Careers

Once you die your career becomes almost entirely obsolete. Seriously. Mull that over for a second. The idea of a "career" is purely mortal. "Work" and "responsibility" are eternal, but our careers here on earth are purely mortal experiences.

Why do we have careers? There are three reasons: to provide for ourselves and our families, to influence others for good, and to learn eternal principles of teamwork, diligence, leadership, etc. in a variety of settings.

There are perhaps a few of us who are "destined" to be in one career path or another, but I think that what we chose to do for a living is largely up to us. What makes us happy? What gives us satisfaction? What will help us best fulfill the three purposes of a career? 

I know a number of people who have struggled, or are currently struggling, to find their "destined career path." They are praying and are frustrated because they feel like they are not receiving an answer. Maybe they are asking the wrong question when they pray.

They might be praying and saying something like "show me what path to take" or "is being a doctor what you would like me to do with my life?" This assumes that God has already decided what they should be doing and doesn't give them any "power" to act as "agents unto themselves." Perhaps God is withholding an answer because there is no "one-right-way" to go in this situation. 

They might instead say "I am seriously considering becoming a pediatrician. Will this make me happy and capable to provide for my family? Is this what I should be doing to have the greatest impact for good on others?" A lot of what we chose to do is really up to us! That's kind of scary, but very empowering as well!

*Reminder paragraph*

Relationships

Obviously this is a topic which is prayed about an awful lot. You might be searching for someone and are praying for direction. You might be in a relationship currently and are seeking guidance on whether to start being more serious or not. You might be ready to get engaged (or already engaged) and are pleading with the Lord to stop you quick if this isn't what you're supposed to be doing.

The issue here is the idea of a soul-mate. Not the actuality of a soul mate, but the idea of a soul mate. I'll explain in a minute. First, I'd like to quote from a talk given by President Uchtdorf:

I know this may be a disappointment for some of you, but I don't believe there is only one right person for you. I think I fell in love with my wife, Harriet, from the first moment I saw her. Nevertheless, had she decided to marry someone else, I believe I would have met and fallen in love with someone else. I am eternally grateful that this didn't happen, but I don't believe she was my one chance at happiness in this life, nor was I hers. (Emphasis added)

There are many other quotes from general authorities about selecting an eternal partner (click here to read more). I want to remind all of us that although soul mates aren't predestined for us, they can be created.

"… Once you commit to being married, your spouse becomes your soul mate, and it is your duty and responsibility to work every day to keep it that way" (“The Reflection in the Water” [Church Educational System fireside for young adults, Nov. 1, 2009]).

So now let me explain myself on the difference of the actuality of a soul mate and the idea of a soul mate.

I think it's fairly clear to all of us that, as President Spencer W. Kimball said, "‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion." I don't think anyone's arguing with him on that point. There are two parts to that quote though. Fiction, being that they do not exist, and illusion, being that they are something that we are seeking for. This is the problem. We don't believe in soul mates, but we keep looking for them.

Let me see if I can provide some real life scenarios I have seen (names have been changed) to help us learn about the relationship between prayer and choosing an eternal spouse.

Scenarios
1) Tyson is interested in a few different girls and decides to pray and ask God which of them he should pursue more seriously. He doesn't get an answer and so he wallows in indecision, waiting for God to tell him which girl is "right" for him.

2) Lauren has been dating a boy for a while and has been praying quite a bit about the relationship. She feels no answer, or at best that she should just be patient. She decides to break up because she hasn't gotten a "yes" answer.

3) Sharon gets engaged to be married. Soon after the engagement however, she notices that her soon-to-be husband was acting differently than he had when they were dating and was now showing signs of deeper character flaws that weren't visible before. She dives into prayer and after praying for strength and direction she breaks off the engagement.

4) Josh has been dating a woman for some time and has prayed many times about their relationship. He feels like he has received a confirming answer about moving forward, but when he approaches the woman he has been dating she says she has received the opposite answer and wants to break things off.

Each of these scenarios are different and each is unique. I would love, one day, to do a post on dating and courtship and all of that fun stuff, but for my purposes today I'll stay focused simply on getting answers to prayers about relationships.

Let's look at our scenarios.

Analysis
Scenario 1) I think the issue here is obvious. This poor boy is assuming that there is one right girl for him (the "idea" of a soul mate) and so he expects the very clear answer of "yes" or "no" for each girl individually. By not receiving a clear answer he is confused and begins to think that perhaps he really is receiving an answer, but that he's not interpreting it properly.

I know we've all done this before. So here's my recommendation (and I say my recommendation because every situation and every person is different): He should pick the girl that fits these three categories the best: 1) Edifies him spiritually. 2) Connects with him emotionally. 3) Attracts him physically. In that order. Then pick a girl and go for it! Chances are it won't get very far anyways!

(Yes, yes, of course there are more qualities to look for in a future spouse, but if you start with those traits and go from there it'll give you a good foundation on which to base your dating relationships.)

He might be worried that by pursuing one girl he will break friendships or loose the opportunity to date the others. This is an absolutely valid concern! It's very likely that will happen! But I believe in a God that gives second chances and has our exaltation as His first priority. Don't let an absence of an answer paralyze you! It probably just means that God trusts you enough to let you make your own decisions. The decision of your eternal companion is a decision that YOU will live with for the rest of eternity (that's the goal at least). God already has His eternal spouse. He's here to help you out with picking yours, but ultimately it's up to you.

Here's a warning for us to not try and force God to give us an answer when He has chosen to not direct us:

“We should study things out in our minds, using the reasoning powers our Creator has placed within us. Then we should pray for guidance and act upon it if we receive it. If we do not receive guidance, we should act upon our best judgment. Persons who persist in seeking revelatory guidance on subjects on which the Lord has not chosen to direct us may concoct an answer out of their own fantasy or bias, or they may even receive an answer through the medium of false revelation. Revelation from God is a sacred reality, but like other sacred things, it must be cherished and used properly so that a great strength does not become a disabling weakness” Dallin H. Oaks

Scenario 2) This one is a little more tricky, but it goes along the same lines. Lauren is praying and asking God if he is "the right one." She's probably not going to get an answer to that question. Maybe she should ask "can he make me happy eternally" or "will he be a good provider for our family" or "help us to have meaningful deep conversations so that I can discern what kind of man he truly is." I really like that last one.

You can't just throw this decision at God and expect Him to make all your choices for you. That's like a kid going up to his parents with a bowl of chocolate ice cream and saying "Is this the right ice cream for me?" The parent's probably thinking "Well I've got vanilla and strawberry ice cream in the fridge, but it's whatever you want." If we keep putting off love now for what might be waiting around the corner we'll be forever waiting. In that same vein though, don't "settle" or lower your standards for someone just cause they're the "here and now." Have realistic expectations, but don't lower them cause you're worried you won't ever get another chance at love.

In this specific case I can support what she did. It's not the right thing to do in every situation like this, but perhaps by her creating some distance they'll both be able to more objectively assess their feelings. In the end, either they'll get back together with more commitment to the relationship then before, or they'll recover and find someone else. That's the reality of dating: you either get married or you break up.

Scenario 3) This is a different situation entirely. Sharon knew what she wanted, she sees now that the man she thought she was dating was a facade and the man underneath was someone who lived beneath her personal standards and beliefs. She prayed for strength to break off an engagement and she got it. Not that it wasn't incredibly difficult, but she made that decision for herself.

Of course no one is perfect and that will include your spouse. Many things can be overlooked, but there are some "deal breakers" for all of us. Learn to compromise, "don't sweat the small stuff.," but also don't compromise on the truly important "stuff."

Scenario 4) Oh man this is a awkward one. I have a hard time seeing God give the "yes" to one person and the "no" to another. Perhaps Josh got an answer of "yes, she can make you happy for eternity" and she got the "it's up to you" answer. Perhaps he got a "yes, you are ready for this and if she is your choice then so be it" and she got a "no, because you're not ready for this personally, but maybe one day."

A comment from a recent reader added the fact that there is a possibility that although she was right for him, he might not have been right for her. She may have fulfilled his marital needs, but he may not have fulfilled hers. This, then, is an example of God giving an honest answer to each person and although they sound contradictory at first glance, in reality it's simply God showing us that He has more insight into the human heart than we do.

It is also possible that because of the highly emotional connection to the situation that the signals are getting mixed, or perhaps Josh was putting "pressure" on God to sanction his decision. Remember Joseph Smith and the first 116 translated pages of the Book of Mormon. He asked God if he could turn them over to Martin Harris for a time to show his family and friends what he was working on. God said no. After pressure from Martin, Joseph asked again and again until the Lord said, in effect, "Fine. Let him take them. But he'd better be careful with them!" We all know what happened. The pages were lost and were not re-translated.

Sometimes because of our incessant nagging God gives us the "thumbs up" to go ahead and make our own foolish choices. He does this because He knows we will learn from it and perhaps next time we will just follow His counsel the first time we get it.

In this situation just remember what President Uchtdorf said: "I think I fell in love with my wife, Harriet, from the first moment I saw her. Nevertheless, had she decided to marry someone else, I believe I would have met and fallen in love with someone else. I am eternally grateful that this didn't happen, but I don't believe she was my one chance at happiness in this life, nor was I hers."

Careers and Relationships
Certainly there are many more things that we pray about other than these two topics. Children, circumstances, weather, lottery numbers (jk), etc. But I hope by providing just a few examples of these situations in which we might not receive an answer that we can apply these principles into our lives in other areas.

Conclusion
If you feel like you're not receiving an answer to a question you've been diligently praying about then try these steps:
- Repent and remove distractions so that you can be ready to receive an answer if God's trying to send you one.
- Make sure you've studied out the issue and are well informed of what you're asking.
- Be sure that you're asking the right question.
- If you're still not getting anything, it means that it's up to you. Pick something and run with it.
- Keep praying and follow direction when you get it.

God loves us and wants to help us. Yes, life is hard and confusing, but it's also wonderful, beautiful and full of happiness! Enjoy the journey, smile, and be decisive.

Keep Pushing On

Andrew