Friend?

It's been almost three and a half years since I've seen my best friend.

You cant quite see both our missions
in one shot of the globe. Micronesia
is a bit further on the right, Romania a
bit further on the upper left.

When I left to serve my mission to Micronesia I knew that my mission and his would overlap and that I
wouldn't see him for a very long time. I didn't know where he would be serving, but I was confident that God would take care of him until I could see him again.

Tomorrow my brother, Nathan, returns from serving a mission in Romania. I am excited to see him (understatement of the century), and to see how he has changed since we last spoke.

(Update: He's home. He's a little weird. And I love him to death for it.)

We have interesting history, my brother and I. My mother tells a story of when Nathan was quite young. He and I are 17 months apart in age and so I was just a toddler at the time (yes, that's my disclaimer). Anyhow, one day mom had a number of things she needed to do, any young mother can relate, and so she lay Nathan down on a blanket and walked into an adjoining room. After just a few seconds she heard him crying and came back in to console him. I was sitting on the ground next to him just staring at Nate with a confused look on my face as if to say "What's this?" Mom got Nate settled down and again went to walk out of the room, but this time she looked back just in time to see me, I won't say "slap" necessarily, but rather "lower my hand with some force" onto Nathan's face, who immediately began again to cry. This was the beginning of a long and wonderful friendship.

I haven't had many people I would call my best friends. In fact, outside of my family there's only one person that I would call a "best friend." But how do we make that distinction? Who is merely an acquaintance vs. who is a friend? What is the difference between a friend and a best friend?

17 times in the Doctrine and Covenants the Lord calls those to whom He is speaking "friends." Do we really qualify for that title? Friend of the Savior. Or rather I should say Friend to the Savior. That's an important distinction.

"And again I say unto you, my friends, for from henceforth I shall call you friends, it is expedient that I give unto you this commandment, that ye become even as my friends in days when I was with them, traveling to preach the gospel in my power."

(D&C 84:77)

The commandment and blessing here is a little different than normal in that the commandment and the blessing are the same thing. We are commanded to become Christ's friends, and the blessing is just that, we get to be Christ's friends.

Friend?
The concept of a true friend has basically disintegrated into oblivion in modern culture and society. Let me illustrate this point through a few popular "ecards."

I got a good laugh out of all of these, and these four ecards is really just a tiny smattering of the endless little quips, phrases, and images about "best friends."

Oh I remembered another one!

Yes, yes, we all laugh and smile at the ridiculousness these images portray. We must also be careful though. Every bit of information that we take into our minds effects us somehow. Seeing these pictures is actually effecting, subconsciously or consciously, our definition of friendship. 

Some of you might say "Well in some respects this is what friendship is!" Let's go back to our scripture where the Lord calls us friends. Can you imagine applying any of these phrases to your "friendship/relationship" with Christ?

Go back and read them all again. Every picture. I'm dead serious. But this time think of Christ as your "friend" referenced in each one and what His response would be.

It's a very different feeling going through those the second time wasn't it? I know it was for me.

Comfort vs Friendship

I think we all look for certain characteristics in friends that are universal. We look for similar interests, compatible personalities, we want to be around people who make us feel good.

Sometimes that means finding people who make us feel comfortable with our particular brand of sinning. Someone who is accustomed to using filthy language will typically be friends with those who use similar language. Someone who skips church frequently to go out and snag some fast food will be friends with those who do the same. And so on and so forth. Now there are always exceptions, but the general rule is we look for companionship with those who make us feel the most comfortable when we are with them.

Look at your closest friends, I think you'll find that you all have similar vices. Similar interests too, but also similar vices. 

Now as we look for friends, and I should say best friends because I'm talking about the people whom we will spend a significant amount of time with, not just acquaintances. We should be careful in choosing our best friends. An increasing amount of evidence points to the huge conscious and subconscious influence our friends have on us. Be careful with the company you keep as that is whom you will begin to become.

Christ, The Truest Friend

For my purposes today I wish to spend less time on choosing good friends (we've all heard about that topic plenty in church and at youth activities, etc.) and I'll focus on being a good friend. Specifically to the Savior.

Let's take a quick look at what character traits Christ exemplified in His interactions with His friends.

1) He walked and talked with the apostles. 

2) He was never "tolerant" or "accepting" of sin, but He was infinitely patient with mortal imperfection and repentant sinners.
3) He forgave them.

Learning and tabulating character traits is all fine and dandy, but the real benefit comes in application.

1) Walking and talking with your friends.

Walking is the easy part. It just means doing stuff together. Spending time with each other. Chances are you're not gonna be great friends if you never do anything together! Talking is another thing though. And I don't mean just meaningless conversation or laughing at a video compilation of cats on YouTube together. I think Christ would've talked with His apostles on a little deeper level than that.

How often do we talk about spiritual matters with our friends? Or not even necessarily "spiritual" things, but expressing our worries or achievements, struggles and successes, future apprehensions and goals. There is so much "froth" in the world, so many hours wasted on things of little or no consequence. Don't allow a friendship you treasure to suffer because of the modern inability to talk openly and frequently about things that truly matter.

2) Tolerance vs Patience

There is a word that has been wielded as a sword recently by so many groups and in so many different situations that it has become an extreme. Either a banner under which legions march, or a taboo who's connotations make others cringe. I am speaking of "tolerance."

Tolerance doesn't mean acceptance. Christ never was accepting of sin. He was accepting of sinners. (Click here if you'd like a more politically opinionated, "fiery," conservative blog post on this topic.)

Now this blog in and of itself is not the place for political debate. I have tried to keep "opinions" to a minimum and "doctrine" to a maximum and I intend to keep it that way. I will say only this. I am in full support of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and the Apostles and Prophet therein. I echo and support their published statements and the official doctrine of the church.

Now back to friendships. As a friend you should be patient with others shortcomings, understanding of their opinions. You should not, however, let others walk all over you or feign acceptance just because you don't want to "rock the boat" of your friendship. They should be just as understanding of your opinions as you are of theirs. No one wants to be friends with someone whom won't be a good listener.

3) Forgiveness

My next blog post will go into significantly more depth on forgiveness of others and self, but in short I'll just say that no one is perfect. Your friends will make mistakes and hurt you either purposefully or inadvertently. Not granting forgiveness will result in grudges, burned bridges, and lost friendships. But more on this in my next post.

Secrets

"Yo, I've got a dead body in my trunk."

One quick note as well. Secrets are a part of friendship. You share things with friends that you don't share with others. Some are inconsequential, some are not. A secret carries both trust and responsibility. You want to keep your friends' secrets, but there are also some things you shouldn't keep to yourself.

Picture this situation. One of my friends comes up to me "Dude, I've got to tell you something. You have to swear on your life to not tell anyone though, ok?"
"Oh you know I've got your back, what's up?"
"Yo, I've got a dead body in my trunk and I need help burying it."

I hope it's blatantly obvious that's not a secret that should be kept secret. Cause if I didn't let someone know about that situation then that's called a secret combination and there are some pretty nasty warnings in the scriptures about secret combinations.

Obviously the likelihood of a friend asking you to help hide a body is pretty slim (hopefully), but what about other stuff? What if your friend asks you to keep a secret from his or her significant other about another relationship she's having on the side?

These secrets happen all the time between friends. So what do you do? On the one hand you want to maintain friendship and trust with your friend, on the other hand there is stuff going down that is not ok. Most often we just keep our mouths shut and distance ourselves from the situation. But in those scenarios what we should really be doing is talking. Talk it out with your friend, voice your opinion. Tell them they're being totally stupid about something. Occasionally you need to seek outside help and void that trust so that you are not brought under condemnation yourself for staying quiet when action should have been taken.

These are sensitive situations. Do what Christ would do. And do it with love.

Friendship

Be A True Friend to Self and Christ

"And again I say unto you, my friends, for from henceforth I shall call you friends, it is expedient that I give unto you this commandment, that ye become even as my friends in days when I was with them, traveling to preach the gospel in my power."

(D&C 84:77)

We need to become Christs friends by reciprocating back to Him what He already does for us.
1) Walk and talk with Christ.
2) Be willing to see yourself as He does.
3) Repent and forgive yourself and others.

May we all be true friends to those around us and those we come in contact with in our lives.

Welcome home Nate. Keep pushing on.

Andrew